Want to make your clothes look worse? Strap on an Apple Watch

The source of all our problems is right in front of our eyes and on far too many wrists: the Apple Watch.

The Apple Watch is bad. It’s really bad. It’s an abomination. It’s a crime against nature.

The pressing desire to know all these detailed metrics about our body throughout the day isn’t spiritually healthy.

If we wanted to pinpoint the moment everything started going down the tubes, we would find ourselves staring at the release date of the first Apple Watch. Once we crossed that threshold, everything started slipping.

OK, I might be exaggerating a little.

The Apple Watch is not a crime against humanity. It’s not the worst thing in the world. But it’s not good. I know this will anger many who have given into the Apple Watch craze, but someone must tell the truth about this pointless device.

Techno-communist

The Apple Watch is ugly. No one in his right mind would try to convince you that this nondescript, black cube that hangs off your wrist is elegant or attractive. It’s not pleasing to look at or wear. It’s not strong or powerful in any understandable way, either. It’s nothing at all. Aesthetically, it barely exists.

Who looks worse with an Apple Watch — men or women? It’s hard to tell. It looks equally ridiculous on both. It looks pointlessly geeky. The smooth black front and the tapping at the touch screen looks less retro-futurism 1986 and more senior special at Del Boca Vista. It looks less Harrison Ford in "Blade Runner" than it does Rick Moranis in "Spaceballs."

For guys, the fragile aesthetic doesn’t exude any kind of strength. It feels overly fastidious and annoyingly particular. It almost feels blandly androgynous, or techno-communist, for lack of a better word.

Traditionally, there are two kinds of men’s watches. Watches that are formal and elegant and watches that are rough and rugged. The Apple Watch is neither. It’s a secret, ugly third thing.

It’s confused, and it makes every outfit look confused. Jeans, a flannel shirt, and boots look strong. Add an Apple Watch, and it looks confused. A sport coat, poplin button-down, and khaki chinos look classic. Add an Apple Watch, and it looks bizarre.

Femininity killer

For women, the size and shape of the Apple Watch looks dreadfully clunky and unfeminine. No woman’s wrist looks delicate or beautiful with an Apple Watch. The same bland androgynous effect that we see with men is felt with the women.

A woman’s watch should be small and delicate. It should be dainty. It should suit the size of her wrist and exude a kind of feminine elegance. It should feel like jewelry.

The Apple Watch on a woman looks like a post-prison ankle monitor or some kind of experimental monitoring device they put on you in the hospital when you are knocking on death’s door.

I have seen women in dresses, heels, and Apple Watches. It’s absurd. The ensemble is one of elegance, and then out of nowhere, the Apple Watch is slapped on the wrist, and it feels like it had to have found its way there by accident. No woman would intentionally wear this thing with a dress, would they?

Slave to sleep

It’s enough to oppose the Apple Watch on aesthetics alone, but that's not the only strike against it. The very idea of the Apple Watch is offensive and neurotic. Unless you have a serious medical condition, you really don’t need to be monitoring your daily bodily functions and variations this closely.

I know that endlessly obsessing over sleep is a trendy thing today among those who have too much time on their hands, but if you are a young and healthy person, you should be able to live your life without turning every day and night into an Excel spreadsheet.

The pressing desire to know all these detailed metrics about our body throughout the day isn’t spiritually healthy. It isn’t normal. It isn’t vital. It’s pointlessly obsessive. The Apple Watch exacerbates this decadent obsession of our age more than any other device.

This obsession is driving people nuts even if they don’t know it yet. Deep down, you know you don’t really need to know all this stuff. You know it isn’t making your life better in any meaningful way. It’s all just pointless data collection.

If you really want to wear an Apple Watch when you exercise, fine. This makes sense. But this silly device really shouldn’t be on your wrist outside the gym. Ugly pieces shouldn’t be staples in a wardrobe, and the Apple Watch is an ugly piece.

Pointless overkill

Apart from the obsessive heath monitoring, the other features of the Apple Watch are completely redundant. You don’t need a watch to receive reminders from your calendar, messages, or emails. You have a phone for this, and nine times out of ten, your phone is sitting right next to you on the table. You end up with two devices within three feet of each other both sending you the same notifications. It’s pointless overkill.

As if all that weren’t enough, the price is the final kick in the shins. You are looking at spending hundreds of dollars on a redundant device that exacerbates your neuroticism while looking ugly and polluting every outfit you wear. Sounds great, huh?

Don’t take the bait. Don’t waste your money on an Apple Watch. Buy a Timex for 50 bucks and call it a day. Grab a $25 Casio for a real retro-futuristic look. Whatever you do, for God’s sake, never buy an Apple Watch.